The hardest post I’ve ever had to write

This is the hardest post I’ve ever had to write.

I’m sure all my long-time readers remember Rana (previously Ross), but for those of you who are new to the blog, Rana and I met at Gen Con in 2013, became friends, then fell in love and got married. We went to conventions and planned out cosplays together, played lots of games together, and were parents to two wonderful cats, Steve and Hannah. While Rana and I split up in 2020 and officially got divorced in August of 2021, we still remained friends. We played Animal Crossing together over Zoom at the beginning of the pandemic. We still talked about conventions we might go to once the pandemic was over, and cosplays we might do. We laughed about how baffled people were that we were still so close after getting divorced.

Rana committed suicide on December 31st, after struggling with depression, anxiety, and other health issues. And even though over two weeks have gone by since she passed away, I still can’t believe she’s gone.

She’s been a part of this blog in some way, shape, or form for most of the time I’ve been running it. In 2014, she took over managing the WordPress install and helped me move the site over to her fancy, speedy servers. She even wrote a few posts. Whenever something would break, I’d reach out to her for help with fixing it. With her passing, I had to move the site to a new server, and I kept finding myself about to message her to check and see if I was doing everything right with my WordPress installation – and then I’d remember she’s not here anymore, and my heart broke all over again.

Knowing that we’re never going to get to go to another Gen Con together hurts beyond belief.

I’m trying to find ways to process all this, to remember her and to help others who are in a similar situation get help if they need it. One way I’m doing this is through Fanthropy – they host virtual races with fandom themes, and 100% of the registration fees for their races go to their charity partner, which changes monthly. The charity partner for January 2022 is To Write Love On Her Arms, which is a nonprofit that focuses on helping people who are struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide – all of which Rana struggled with at some point in her life. When the post about Fanthropy’s January charity partner came across my Facebook feed this morning, I felt like it was the universe’s way of saying “hey, this might help”. Since Fanthropy is home to the Whovian Running Club, and given how much Rana loved Doctor Who, I decided to sign up for the 2022 season of WRC events – especially since my registration fees were going to TWLOHA. (I also signed up for the Keep Your Feet 5K, a Lord of the Rings-themed virtual race, because Rana loved Tolkien’s works so very much.)

I’ve been struggling a lot since her death, especially with things that remind me of her. The blog is one of those things that I’ve been avoiding because of that – we worked on it together even after we split up, and it’s always going to be a reminder of her. I know she’d be sad if I stopped writing, though, so I’m going to do my best to keep posting. The pandemic has made it hard for me to dredge up the energy to post, but maybe I can use the blog as a way to keep myself distracted, and to honor Rana’s memory, too.

Thank you, Rana, for being a part of my life, and for being such a huge part of The Crafty Nerd. ❤